The MC who had more fun than the wedding guests.

In a bid to break my antisocial habits I made a decision to attend my cousin's wedding. Aside from this new resolution, it is also extremely difficult to dodge a wedding when your personal invite has been delivered to your workplace. However, at the end of the night, I was glad that I showed up because the MC really did make the night – all by himself. I experienced something I have not in a really long time, an MC who thoroughly enjoyed the wedding more than the guests and the bridal party.

I must note that the MC was not the only highlight of this wedding, there was this instance just after the cutting of the cake when the bride was scheduled to throw her bouquet (yes it was scheduled on the program), that he got every single bridesmaid and friend of the bride to come and take part.

MC: ‘’Hey, if you are single or he has not put a ring on it I expect to see you here.’’

The single ladies were a little shy and most did not respond to his calls to participate so he amped it up and resorted to calling out names.

MC: ‘’If you are single and you are not here, do not complain if this favour passes you by. This is a divine moment, your husband could be in this very place. Can I hear an Amen.’’

I was so amused I burst out in laughter only to see one of my aunties ahead of me turn and motion to me to go in front and join the group. I politely declined and unfortunately that would open me up to a whole other grilling session I would be a part of where I would have to explain why I had not declared my status to them as - dating. (Let me not digress)

As all this commotion was taking place, at the table right behind me there were ladies in their late 30’s and early 40’s who had been dancing the entire wedding and talking so loudly I would often hear them above the MC’s baritone.

Lady 1: ‘’Athieno, why aren’t you getting up to go in front?’’

Athieno: ‘’Because I am not single.’’

Lady 2: ‘’ No, but the MC did not say if you have a man hanging around you. He said if you don’t have a ring on your finger.’’

Athieno: ‘’But I am not searching.’’

Lady 1: ‘’No you are not but Oboth is clearly still searching. Do you see him around there, over there chatting with those younger ladies.’’

Athieno: ‘’Maybe they are his nieces.’’

Lady 2: ‘’ If my husband held his niece's handbag and hand like that he would not have any supper.’’

Athieno: ‘’Well me I am content, God will sort me out.’’

I could not help but snicker as I listened to them from my seat and watched this drama play out before me almost play like in this mix of a blend of a modern and traditional wedding setting.

MC: ‘’Okay time is up. Mugole (bride), we are going to count down from 5 – 1 and then you can close your eyes and throw the bouquet.

The crowd went wild into laughter as the last 3 girls shot out of their seats and run to join the group waiting to catch the bouquet.

MC: ‘’Wow, these ladies really want to meet Mr. Right and all the single brothers say……’’

The crowd shouted back in response, ‘’Amen.’’

MC: ‘’Single gentlemen and especially those in the groom’s party, I hope your eyes are open and you catch this vision. Okay, let’s count down 5, 4, 3, 2……..1.’’

When the bride closed her eyes and threw that bouquet I could not help but feel glad that it was a non-living thing. There was 1 lady from the group of 3 who had joined last that jumped so high that she mimicked a high jumper at the Olympics. She grabbed the tip of the bouquet as another lady grabbed a hold of it as she was descending mid-air. We all watched in shock as the Olympian nearly elbowed the other lady to a point she let go.

That squabble was not the least of the excitement with the most shocking part of the entire bouquet toss being during it. Now a word of advice to every young or middle aged lady going for a wedding. ‘Be mindful of what you are wearing.’

So the 20 something lady who won the bouquet toss was wearing a short and flimsy dress and had not thought through her actions before she decided to take part. She had jumped so high that due to the laws of gravity, her dress joined in the jump exposing her now not so private parts to the rest of the guests at the wedding.

I thought she would have been so embarrassed that she would have left the wedding celebration immediately but to my surprise, she fell to the ground into a squat with the bouquet and composed herself as the MC said.

‘’Wow, dear single brothers this is serious.’’

The rest of the crowd burst into laughter while a more senior lady held her mouth as she tried to recover from the shock of what they had just seen. The bouquet toss winner got up, laughed it off and walked off grinning from ear to ear with her prize.

What a wedding and who said weddings are boring?

Wedding Meeting Humor

Recently one of my closest friends from my university days was getting married and held wedding meetings. In spite of my busy schedule, I was fortunate enough to be a part of his second last meeting and much to my surprise, I did not feel coerced to give all the money in my wallet and walk home as is the norm. The general ambiance at the meeting was of warmth and humor with many of his friends cracking us up for most of the time we there. I expected nothing less as the groom is quite the comedian himself. However in this case he was a lot quieter than usual, I wondered whether the pre - wedding jitters had gotten a hold of him but the humor was too intoxicating for me to pay him much attention while at the meeting.

There was this fellow seated at the back and you would expect a back bencher (as they are commonly called) to typically be quiet and steer clear of attracting any attention to themselves. Much to the contrary, this lad was rambunctious and suave and you could tell he enjoyed being the life of the party. Mid way the meeting as we were collecting money to reduce the balance owed on the church fees for the service on the wedding, we were left with raising 250,000 when this fellow asked.

Ruckus Lad: “Let's ask the pastors son to mediate on our behalf so that we get a discount.”

He said this because of the young gentleman seated in front of him; who I quickly found out was the pastor’s son – the pastor who was going to wed the bride and groom.

We all burst out laughing but in my case it was because I found it refreshing that church folk were so lively and un - uptight as is the usual rhetoric when it comes to them. If you are wondering why I classed the wedding meeting members as church folk, it is because ¾ of them were the groom and bride’s church friends and they are a tight knit bunch.

Before we could fully recover, words shot out of the fellow’s mouth again and I thought to myself, how can anyone be this funny for free (after all comedy is a respectable profession in this day and age).

Ruckus Lad: “Can we get a discount if we ask them to switch off the lights in church?”
“Switch off the lights? How will we see the bride in her beautiful gown?” a lady promptly responded to which he had a rebuttal.

Ruckus Lad: “Bride, (he paused briefly before continuing) …and what about William, we may only be able to see his teeth.”

We were amused but for many of you reading this who have not met William, you would not really understand this joke. William is a 6 foot, dark chocolate brown Ateso (Eastern Uganda tribe) man with exceptionally white teeth so the ruckus fellow may have also meant this as a compliment.

After this 15 minutes unsolicited comedy break, the chairman finally took the reins back and continued with the next item on the budget.  We made good progress for 30 minutes or so only that it was now dark and a frog hoping in between the chairs where we sat almost brought the meeting to a halt. The ladies began to squirm in their seats and the chairman trying to get back our attention said,

Chairman: “If I see anyone jump out if their seat as a result of the frog hoping around you will be fined.” To which the audience giggled but only for a second when one lady could not contain it anymore and screamed as she jumped out of her seat and the ruckus lad responded,

“Yesu!” as he mimicked her. We laughed so hard that the chairman took 5 minutes to get us all settled down before he could continue.

As we drew to the end of the budget, the in house comedian realized that we had become too serious and moved closer to the font and offered to assist in auctioning the gift for the day. In the middle of giving a description of the articles contained in the wrapped gift, he caught sight of a late comer. She was hiding behind a shrub attempting to creep in without being noticed so she would not be fined. The fellow did a complete 360 turn and kept quiet drawing all out attention after which he briskly yelled.

Ruckus Lad: “2,000 Ugx for the audience member to remove her scarf from her hair.”

Someone responded, “There is no one wearing a scarf.”

Ruckus Lad: “Are you sure, you have not yet seen her hiding like a chameleon in the shrub behind?”

The scarf was deemed an article of witchcraft and she was fined for wearing it, not to worry though as someone else took matters into their own hands, took him on and offered to pay her fine.

That evening I had come from work very tired and exhausted but left this wedding meeting very rested and rejuvenated and extremely sad that I had to go home before it had come to a close. As I walked out, I left the chairman in trouble as the audience purchased his tie and then followed on to solicit for his belt which he declined to release.

Let’s just say that this will be one of my fondest memories of his wedding.