Haircut Bewildered

Once upon a time I used to have a cascading mane that fell a few inches below my shoulders; yes my shoulders - which I grew and maintained for over 8 years but I finally grew weary of. Mid lastyear I began a journey of gradual reduction of my hair until I finally let go of it all with but a nights notice. Now this was a decision I took as an individual and at the time I did not realize what immediate or adverse effects it would have had on me.

So as I walked out of the salon a few meters from my work place and the boda boda men at the stage nearest to my office began to whistle and call me names, names that I was very unaccustomed to. Inasmuch as we all know that more often than not boda boda men are often ill mannered; I was still taken aback by it all and the conversation went something like this.

(4 Boda boda men seated in a circle at a kiosk adjacent to their stage)

Boda man 1: “Ehhh sweetie, student olotya jangu nkutwale.” (Eh sweetie, student how are you come and I take you on a ride to where you want to go.) He said this as he whistled amidst ongoing muffled conversations between his other counterparts.

Me: “Neda sebo, sigenda!” (No sir, I am not going.)

Boda man 2: “Ehh naye ofanana bulungi sister, owaye campuser nange netaga omuwala.” (Eh but you look realy nice sister, goodness campuser as I need a girl.)

Me: No response.

Boda Boda man 1: “Nga todamu sweetie.” (Why aren’t you responding?)

Chairman (also another boda boda man): “Owaye omukazi muleke temumumanyi ntino akola kumi ne wano ate tali size yo ali size yange.” (Goodness leave the lady don’t you know that she works near here and she is not your size style/ class but mine)

The rest of the boda boda men halted their conversation and burst out into laughter as I hastily made off in order not to further entertain or indulge their idleness.  But there was yet another occasion when I was left utterly shocked at the boldness of taxi drivers. As I took my usual seat in the front next to the driver on a taxi that was Kiwatule bound, when I got around Bukoto I realized I needed to jump out in Ntinda to grab a bite at Tuskys Supermarket. The driver noticed that I had paid my fare to the conductor and yet I had specifically asked for a taxi heading towards Kiwatule.

Driver: “Mwana nga oyagala okuvayo nga tona tuka gwogenda?” (Hot girl, as you want to alight from the taxi before getting to where you want to go?)

Me: “Silence.” (After badgering me for a while I decided to fold and respond) “Nkyali Ntinda okukola shopping ku Tuskys.”

Driver: “Kale njakulinda ko. Naye linda ko mpakinze bulungi nga tonavayo.” (Okay, I will wait for you a while but wait until I park properly before you alight.)

Me: “Kale sebo.” (Okay Sir!)

Driver: “Baby ojaku yanguwa ko tujakulinda kubanga njagala okwogera nawe sweetie.” (Baby you will hurry up right because I want to talk to you.)

Me: “Ngenda okuyanguwa, naye mugende njakusanga taxi endala.” (Yes I am going to hurry, but you can go I will get another taxi that is heading my way.)

Driver: “Neda mukwano, nanti nkugambye ntino tukyakwogera.” (No friend, you see I told you we we still talk.)

I paused for a while before I leaped out of the front taxi door and made a bee line for the entrance for of Tuskys supermarket. As I waited in line and I pondered how bold this taxi man had been to out rightly approach me with no warning at all. Then I wondered whether this gentleman would for whatever bizarre reason honor his inappropriate suggestion he had just made. So I rushed out and looked in the direction where I had left the taxi parked, the driver and his conductor for one reason or the other had decided to change their route to go back to town but to my surprise I caught him peering through his side window in the direction of the entrance. He actually wanted to wait to finish the conversation that he had started with me and I was startled at how bold this lad was.  I ducked of course and went on my way – for those of you who were wondering.

Then it dawned on me nothing this extreme had ever happened to me so it must all be owing to the new hair cut and within 2 months I had one of the most awkward encounters with a middle aged man of about 6feet 2inches (I know this because I am 5 feet 8 inches). I was wearing a pair of straight cut blue jeans, a long sleeved collared shirt with buttons running all the way down the front, cuffs at my wrists and I was carrying a back pack that day. The middle aged man entered the front seating area of the taxi before me and sat next to the driver but I noticed him stealing side glances at me the entire stretch of the journey. As I began to rummage through my back pocket for change to pay the conductor, he mustered up the guts to engage me in conversation.

Middle aged man: “Excuse me; I have to ask are you male or a female.”

I paused for 3-5 seconds owing to how tired I was given that I had just been through a 4 hour weekend class so I was in no mood to be conversational.)

Me: “Female!” (I paid the conductor and called out to the driver) “Stage, Parking, owaye driver maso awo.” (This is because the driver had zoned out and was not paying attention to me now leaning in front of this gentleman shouting at him to stop.)

Middle aged man: (after an awkward pause) “No offence intended.”

Me: (I jumped out of the taxi slammed the door and as I looked at him I responded) “No!”

Now dear Ugandans, I know that last week the Anti homosexuality bill was signed by our dear president but to use this as an excuse for insulting people (random strangers) in public places because of your ignorance, it is unacceptable. When you find a young stylish lady in a boyfriend style shirt and a pair of jeans and a back pack it does not mean that she is lesbian or bisexual and it is totally moronic to run your mouth and ask her that as well. In my defense I have a bust; I had pierced ears with silver cross design ear pins and flat ballets pumps all of which are obviously associated with the female gender. So the next time you seek to insult me with your illiteracy on all things fashion – beware I will definitely tell you off and yes a fashionable young lady can rock short hair.

Taxis have got nothing on Campusers.

Many of you who have travelled by taxi to or from anywhere must have experienced this problem - the supper loud passenger. So here we were leaving Kamwokya taxi stage and there was a young lady of university going age who was seated by the window taking in the scenery as we went along heading towards Ntinda. After a couple of minutes her phone rang and it is the conversation that ensued that made my day or rather the day of all the passengers in the nearly full taxi.

Campuser: “Hello! Ndi mu town. Gwe oli wa? Toli eka kubanga nabadde kumpi ate njagade okulaba.” (Hello, I am in town, where are you? You are not home …. I wanted to see you.)

Campuser: “Oli ku Campus… Ndi kumpi oku tuka! (She paused and listened for further details) campus eya Kyambogo? (You are on campus … I am close by I am about to arrive)

This back and forth went on for a couple of minutes with her trying to convince the person on the other end that she really was on her way.

Campuser: “Nanti omanyi, natambude ku kyalo okulaba mamaa wange. Kati ndi mukubo”“Ndi kumpi, ... kale nvudde Jinja kati ntuse Jinja Road mu kubo naye nkomawo.” (I had travelled up country to see my mother but now …. i am close by I on my way back from Jinja around Jinja Road.)

Mature male Passenger: “hhmmm ehh wano Jinja Road aha abana ba nakuzino.” (hhmm this is Jinja Road aha children of these days.)

3 minutes later

Campuser: “Neda sigenda kujja mu lecture.” (No I am not going to come for the lecture.)

Mature male Passenger: Eh owaye (Chuckled under his breath and let out a sneer as he shook his head from side to side in disbelief.)

Camuser: “Eh na kubide simu …., mbadde nerabidde naye nkoye nyo na kera okutambula okuva Jinja.” (Oh I called you …… I had forgotten about that but I am very tired I travelled quite early from Jinja.)

It only dawned on me then that this young girl was probably calling a classmate to hang out at her home which was somewhere in proximity to Ntinda since that was the stage which we were fast approaching, only to be asked about her attendance of class. I grinned a little and my mind wondered off to my university days to a scenario quite similar to this kind.

We were seated at a restaurant adjacent to our faculty for lunch after which one of my classmate’s phones rang loudly and she quickly silenced us.

Aida: “Hello, sweetie. How are you I have been very busy with class and course work? Nanti i just walked out of a lecture. Can you please hold on my lecturer is talking to me.” (She checks her phone and there was another call waiting and hesitated for a while and did not take it.)

Me: “Aida could we go or we will miss getting good seats for class.” (She shushed me quiet.)

Aida: “Ahhh now also this one, he keeps disturbing me and yet he does want to give me money for airtime.” (She said this as she quickly declined the call and returned to her other call.)

Campuser 1: “Eh Aida your phone keeps buzzing.” (She paid no attention to the comment continued flirting with the gentleman on the other line)

Aida: “Tonight …..ahhh okay! What time but i need airtime, money to photocopy some notes and do my hair. Remember I told you last time nanti I want to look hot for you.”

Campuser 2: “Eh owaye, that had better be Daddy or …..” (This was said to imply her actual father in a satirical manner.)

After her call Aida checked her call logs and found that she had 6 missed calls and a message that read something to this effect.

Mukwano, nga njagala okulaba. Nga tokwata simu yange Njagala okutwala out. (Friend - to imply intimate friend, I want to see you but why are you not answering my calls? I want to take you out.)

Before Aida could even respond the phone rang once more and she rejected the call, I thought this would be the last of it only for the phone to ring again and this time Aida looked like she was considering taking the call. But first she had very explicit instructions for us to carry out.

Aida: “Mwe kati you are going to help me. I do not want to talk to this one I took his money and now he wants to see me but I do not want his rubbish. He is so old and he has a big stomach and he is so ugly he looks like my father naye he is chasing me. So you are going to make sounds like we are in a taxi down town and there is a lot of traffic and we cannot hear. Kale let me answer now.”

Me: “What! Aida are you okay?”

Aida: “Yes, just like we are in a taxi and it is very busy like in the park okay. Now I am going to answer when i tell you then you make the appropriate noise.”

She said this as she nodded and gave us the necessary signals but none of us thought she was serious at all; little did we know we were going to get the shock of our lives in a couple of minutes as she answered her mobile phone.

Aida: “Hello, mukwano ki sweetheart. No no I did not hear my phone ring I am in a taxi going upcountry I am out of town.” “Ehh hello, I cannot hear you properly.”

From nowhere Aida leaned forward and hit me on the arm.

Me: You… that hurt! (I exclaimed while wincing in pain)

I had not been paying attention to her and had diverted the rest of the girls to a fashion magazine display that was now in front of us. She had retaliated by hitting me on the wrist as means to remind me of our cue to assist in her well thought out plan.

Aida: “Make taxi sounds.” (She said in a hush tone as she covered the mouth piece of her phone.)

Me: “What!” (Aida eyed me and repeated her instruction in a firmer tone with pleading eyes)

Campuser 1: “Jinja, Kamuli,….  Nyabo ogende beyi …..” (Jinja, Kamuli….. madam are you heading in our direction…the price is…)

Aida: “Yes, yes..” (She nodded vigorously as if to further rally us on and offer encouragement)

Me: “Tugenda, tugenda, sebo ogenda owaye kanvemu njagala okugenda mu taxi endala nanti temugenda.’’ (Are going, Sebo are going, let me get out since you are not going anywhere.)

Next thing I knew I was doing both male and female voice depictions to respond to myself and the other girl’s conversations as they were now other taxi passengers.

Campuser 2: “Owaye Charlie, jangu wano ompe amazi ekyokunwa. Zibera meka…..” (Young man! come here and give me some water to drink how much does it cost?)

Aida: “Mukwano  I cannot hear you, nanti tuli mukubo mu taxi.” (Friend I cannot hear you since i am on the journey upcountry using a noisy taxi)

Campuser 1: “Conductor maso awo.” (Conductor I am getting out just ahead.)

Aida: “Eh I have to get out and let a lady pass, eh but the network is so bad and I have a lot of luggage so I cannot hold the phone for long.”

Me: “Quack, quack,….”

As soon as she said luggage I instantaneously I began to quack like a duck and crow like a cock but it got so hilarious that the minute I started to quack the 2 other girls could not take it anymore and just burst into laughter which was punctuated with t heir ranting of passengers boarding and alighting different taxis. To this day that is one of my fondest memories of my undergraduate degree days, it is a priceless memory.

Note: The names used in this account are not actual so as to protect the identity of the young ladies.

For my non Ugandan readers, the term Campuser is for a University going students either a young lady or gentleman but is more preferably used for a female. (Ugandan slang)