Where did all the gentlemen go?

Late one Sunday evening as I stood by the roadside at the entrance of Uganda Management Institute (UMI), all I could think about was what a slice of cake and a cup of African tea spiced with a movie at home would be like. A few minutes before while I was walking to the stage at the entrance from class to catch a taxi home, I received a phone call that a friend would be going my way so they could drop me closer to home.

Fast forward to me getting into my friends car 20 minutes late where I pondered ‘Where did all the gentlemen go?’ Now you must be wondering what transpired or went terribly wrong in that 20 minutes window believe me I will explain but allow me to start from the beginning so that you can fully understand what I mean.

20 minutes earlier

I exited the main gate of UMI and quietly waited for my ride home I did not expect much drama as I hummed away at a tune only for a young man - late to early 30’s invading my personal space. Now at the UMI gate it is usual for strangers to wait together for taxis and often engage in healthy debates about general topics and current affairs. Being hospitable Ugandans, this is always after asking what professional course you are currently studying as we keep each other company for what can be sometimes a pretty long wait.

As many of them boarded taxis heading towards home, not once did I notice this gentleman or so I thought he was at the time, until everyone else had left.   I use ‘so I thought’ because of the conversation that transpired between us.

Male UMI Student: ‘Eh, but this woman. I get here late and she tells me to go right into a paper.’

Me: ‘…….,’ I did not respond.

Male UMI Student: ‘She could not even forgive me knowing that I have not attended class in about 4 weeks and therefore I did not know we had a test.’

I smiled when I heard this and thought to myself "typical Ugandan," how is this the tutor’s fault that you did not come to class for a month.

Male UMI Student: ‘And on top of that she insists on taking our papers and marking them before we left the room, she claims she does not have space at her home to keep our papers. Can you imagine that?’

I had been silent all this while until this point where I could not help myself, I needed to respond.

Me: ‘Well you cannot blame her for not being efficient, how old is she? Is she pretty mature?’

Male UMI Student: ‘No, actually she is mid-30. Anyway that is finished so where are you heading?’ he said as he intentionally brandished his freshly marked test script that bore a 16/20 for my benefit I presume.

Me: ‘HOME!’ 

Male UMI Student: ‘Where is that?’

I turned and faced him and looked him squarely in the eyes with no grin on my face and responded in a firm tone, ‘HOME.’

Male UMI Student: ‘Is that Mukono, Ntinda, Luzira…?’

When he realised that I did not intend to respond to the question he moved on to a different line of conversation.

Male UMI Student: ‘Anyway so what are you doing at UMI?’

Me: ‘Doing...?’ I asked.

Male UMI Student: ‘Yes, what course are you studying?

Me: ‘CIM – Marketing.’ 

Male UMI Student: ‘Oh okay, I have never seen you around, which block do you use for study?’

Me: I smiled and responded ‘one of those blocks within UMI.’

Male UMI Student: ‘Well my name is Julius, what's yours. I have no need to continue talking to you as a stranger.’

Now, this fellow had broken my number 1 cardinal rule of this taxi stop - don’t ask for names. 

Me: ‘I am a stranger, all the same my name does not matter I will not be here in 5 minutes.’

Male UMI Student: ‘Please what's your name, I can't leave here without knowing your name after looking into those eyes.’

My back was facing him but when I heard this I spun around to respond, ‘I beg your pardon?’

Male UMI Student: ‘I can get lost in your eyes and those lips…there is a lot I could do with them.’

Now at this point I asked myself, a full grown man meets a stranger and because I am courteous and polite as most Ugandans are, you decide to take liberties and …. ‘’Be silly’’ for lack of better word at this time.

Me: ‘Eyes, lips are you serious?’

Male UMI Student: ‘I cannot leave here without knowing your name,’ he said as he began to move closer to me.

It was at this point that my friend arrived and the car came to a halt a few yards in front of me, you all know what I did – right. I darted straight for the car door at such a speed that I almost head butted my friend Zinedine Zidane style as she sat in the driver’s seat and I firmly shut the door behind me.

Mothers out there please raise your sons to be polite, raise them to know what appropriate conversation for public places is. This is  so that ladies like me will not wonder where they grew up or as the commonly used Ugandan phrase comes to mind, not to make us wonder ‘’who grew them.’’ (Direct translation from local dialect)

Fathers, please teach your daughters the basics of self-defence or in my case how to head butt wanton fellows such as the one in this post. With this fellow’s escalation, I would have needed these skills in a few minutes scratch that seconds.

UMEME and Network conspire against me.

I have endured 3 days of stopping by 2 supermarkets with Payway machines and 2 petrol stations with hand held devices, all in a bid to purchase units for my YAKA power meter. 

Can you imagine the inconvenience that comes with having limited time outside your work and school schedule to do the necessary everyday errands of life only for NETWORK to be your foe and stumbling block.

I have a regular routine of paying for my YAKA at a certain point in the month like clockwork and I usually do not have an issue. However this month was quite the exception and it was an extremely frustrating process. After failing to pay for YAKA for 3 days, on the Iddi public holiday when I had ample time I decided to do Payway machine hopping to a point of nearly stalking the store owners. All this was in a bid to make sure my power does not run out.

I know a few of you are wondering why I did not attempt to use mobile money to effect payment for my power but MR. NETWORK had been doing his thing during the same period of time. So when I found a Payway machine that did not give me the usual NO NETWORK display on the screen I was thrilled. Yes thrilled but also cautious, so I decided to only purchase YAKA worth 20,000 which is not my usual monthly allocation. I smiled at the machine as I pulled out my receipt only to see these words in fine print,

‘Unable to retrieve TOKEN Number. The Token will be sent to you via SMS. If you do not receive it within 2 hours please call our support centre on 0800 20 30 20.’

So much as I was sad, I decided to have some faith and give the service providers a chance and after 2 and a half hours, I made a follow up call. The conversation with the lady from customer support went something like this,

Customer Support Lady: ‘Good afternoon, this is Jane how may I help you?’ (I am using Jane to save the poor lady from being warned or fired.)

Me: ‘Hello, I am calling about my YAKA – UMEME payment issue.’

Customer Support Lady: ‘Yes, what is the problem?’

Me: ‘I have been trying to pay for YAKA for about 3 days and was only able to today using a Payway device at Acacia Mall. However, when I received my receipt it did not have a TOKEN number.’

Customer Support Lady: ‘Okay, where did you pay from?’

Me: ‘Acacia Mall’

Customer Support Lady: ‘What time?’

Me: ‘2 and a half hours ago.’

Customer Support Lady: ‘What number did you enter as customer number and what is your transaction number?’

I quickly passed on this information hoping that this would aid her in assisting me to sort out this mix up.

Customer Support Lady: ‘Okay allow me to call you back.’

Me: ‘I beg your pardon?’

Customer Support Lady: ‘But have you tried to use mobile money to pay.’

I was rather shocked as this was this lady was from the Payway customer support department so I was wondering why she would openly recommend a competitor instead of sorting out a customer's’ issue to ensure I remain a valued customer. All that aside, this was my response.

Me: ‘Yes i have and the system was down as well and I do not want to risk using it now and losing money without getting any service as was the case with your device today. Besides are you sure that the system is working properly?’

Customer Support Lady: ‘Sometimes it is working sometimes it is not because I am also getting calls from people who used mobile money and have not been successful.’

Me: ‘Okay so what next.’

Customer Support Lady:  ‘Allow me to call you back.’

Now dear readers that was the last time I heard from her and every time I called her back her line was busy or she made it busy and that went on for hours. So I eventually got the hint and alternated between calling her and UMEME customer care line and the latter call eventually went through.

Customer Support Lady: ‘Hello, this is UMEME customer care how may I help you?’

I repeated the entire account I had given the lady from Payway customer support until we got to this point.

Customer Support Lady: ‘Okay so what is your account number?’

Customer Support Lady: ‘So this is your reference number.’

Me: ‘Uhhm, excuse me why am I getting a reference number?

Customer Support Lady: ‘So that you can follow up on your complaint lodged if you still do not have your TOKEN number within 2 hours.’

Me: ‘Well it is now a total of 5 hours since I effected payment and since I have been trying to pay for the last 3 days that means my power will probably go off tonight.’

Customer Support Lady: ‘Sorry to hear that but our IT team is working tirelessly to rectify the issue.’

Me: ‘So in other words, I should go home and wait in the dark until your IT team sorts out the issue. When will that be?’

Customer Support Lady: ‘I don’t know.’

Me: ‘From past experience, can you say that it will be back today or tomorrow? When will I have power again that is the real question?’

Customer Support Lady: ‘I cannot say it will be tonight or tomorrow. Maybe it will be back later on but I am not sure’

Me: ‘So as you are not sure I wait without power.’

Customer Support Lady: ‘You can pay with mobile money.’

Me: ‘I already tried mobile money, the system is also down and what about the payment I just issued. What about that?’

Customer Support Lady: ‘I am sorry but our IT team is doing everything to sort out this issue. Kindly use the reference number when you call back next time.’

Me: ‘So I will remain in the dark with your reference number. Thank you very much,’ I said as i politely hung up.

I then took to Twitter and within 30 minutes I had a response from the UMEME team online. This is the trail of feedback I received from them from that night until I finally received my TOKEN.

The moral of the story is, we have 2 systems for payment and if they are down dear customer sort yourself out by pulling out your candle stand or TADOBA (hurricane lamp which is fuelled with Kerosene). 

1 DAY LATER 

Oh and by the way for those of you wondering, the customer support lady from Payway (0800 20 30 20) never ever called me back.

For God and my country.

Uganda’s Online retail industry.

Uganda is home to a growing sector of online entrepreneurs such as web developers, e-commerce sites for online retail services such as Jumia and Kaymu. 

Hellofood for online food orders and delivery, Lamudi for real estate, Jovago for hotel booking and travel. There is also a crop of job portals such as Everjobs, Brighter Monday and Uganda jobline and many more that cut across the East African region that every job seeker is now familiar with names.

Today however I choose to focus on the online retail sector in Uganda, where store owners have adopted the use of websites and social media platforms such as Facebook, Instagram and Whatsapp to promote and drive sales of their available stock.

Online retail is a young industry and with the Ugandan market that is driven by the physical, there is a great deal of scepticism on whether the industry will develop enough to be profitable for industry entrepreneurs. Ugandans are online previewers and often complete their purchase at the store after confirmation of specifics that they require from the given item to be purchased.  

This is usually because the store owners conveniently leave out sizes and prices when they advertise their items online mainly because they do not want the competition to know to know how much they items cost. However this can be a problem for them when a real customer who does not have time to inbox or call them but wants to make up their mind and effect payment by either mobile money or sending someone to the shop for a quick up of their purchased item.

The phrase, ‘Amaso gali munaglo,’ directly translated to mean ‘the eyes are in the hands,’ best describes the nature of Ugandan shoppers. However, there is hope on the horizon with a new online retailer showing Ugandans willing to experiment with trials, that this is a business model that can actually work after immense investment in awareness. Yes, awareness and I do not mean just the customers but also the vendors that are sourced locally because if the conversation that I overheard recently is anything to go by; we have still got a long way to go.

Vendor: ‘So you called me about some of my things the other day.’

Vendor Manager: ‘Yes!’ she responded as she wondered where this conversation was heading.

Vendor: ‘So since they were delivered to the customer yesterday I want my money now.’

Vendor Manager: ‘Now…, what do you mean?’

Vendor: ‘Shoes was delivered this week so i want my money, ’he said as only a Kikubo retailer 

would.

Vendor Manager: ‘Sebo, that is not how this works. If you remember at the beginning I told you that you will receive payment at the end of the month. I explained all this before you signed the contract.’

Vendor: ‘But I want my money now.

Vendor Manager: ‘Sebo, it is not about what you want now, it is …’ she said before she was cut off by the vendor.

Vendor: ‘Shoes was bought, not so, I want my money.’

Vendor Manager: ‘No we have policies and processes sir. Processes that I need to follow.’

Vendor: ‘Tongamba ku processes, is this your father’s company?’ (Don’t tell me about processes, is this your father’s company?)

Vendor Manager: ‘Sebo, let’s not start talking like this I clearly explained this to you before you agreed to become a vendor.’

Vendor: ‘Naye, you know me also you make an exceptions for me.’

Vendor Manager: ‘Sebo, there are no exceptions. Besides it is midway the month, I will be calling you in 2 weeks to pick your payment. Just be patient.’

Vendor: ‘Eh nyabo, 2 weeks naye njagala sente zokulya kati.’ (But Madam, 2 weeks – but I want to eat my money right now.)

The vendor did not leave with his payment that day but he was smiling all the way out 2 weeks later with a month’s pay in cash. Therein lies the dilemma –the smaller retailers are willing to risk and sign up to utilise the online retail service and yet the more structured establishments with financial muscle that would greatly benefit from the platform as a means of reduction in advertising spend - are still sceptical. It seems to me that the vendor has indeed gained the upper hand from this arrangement or has he?

Barber shop conversations.

By now, regular readers of my blog know that I wear my hair short and have been mistaken for an S.6 vacationist or campuser (University going student) by general folk and taxi touts alike. This new found status has led me to enjoy the privilege of listening to very engaging conversations and todays’ is no exception.

A father walked in for a haircut with 2 of his sons who were approximately 5 and 3 years old. As the 5 year old waited his turn he was such a ball of energy running around the shop and asking the oddest questions. Below is a snippet I will share with you to remind you all of the time when we were this age and when we asked the silliest of questions.

It makes me appreciate the responsibility that parents have in raising their children and in particular my mother who must have put up with as many questions as these. I know this because as long as I can remember I was asking her this or that and guests constantly told her I should take on journalism as my vocation when I grew up. So in today’s blog I genuinely identify with Josiah this inquisitive and charming young man who clearly knocked our socks off with his unexpected questions and comments.

The television was playing in the background and Josiah’s attention was caught by the voice of the announcer who used a word he was clearly not familiar with and so he asked...

Josiah: ‘What is okwewunya?

Father: ‘It is to wonder.’

Josiah: ‘What is to wonder?

Father: ‘You know to wonder, like to sit there and wonder what to do or what you want to say.’

This attempted explanation by his father alone made me giggle and appreciate the difference between women and men because had Josiah asked his mother, she would have been more descriptive and used it in a real life scenario that the 5year old could relate to.

Luckily for Josiah’s father, he has a low attention span so he quickly wandered off onto something else for a while until we heard the barber say.

Barber: ‘So what is your name?’

Josiah: ‘Josiah.’

Barber: ‘And your brother’s name?’

Josiah: ‘Jonathan.’

Barber: ‘But I remember you being called Alex.’

Josiah: ‘No I am Josiah.’

Now we all moved onto something else only to hear Josiah say,

Josiah: ‘and you, what is your name?’

Barber: ‘Ssalongo John,’ he responded as he smiled.

Josiah: ‘Ssalongo, what is that?’ he said as he looked pensively.

Barber: ‘Ssalongo means father of twins.’

Josiah: ‘And what is that?

Barber: ‘What is what?

Josiah: ‘What is twins?’

Barber: ‘Twins are 2 children that means I got 2 children at the same time.’

Josiah: ‘Eh how, so you had 2 children in your stomach?’

When he asked this I could not contain it anymore and burst into laughing and Josiah looked genuinely confused and wondered why the entire shop was laughing now.

Father: ‘No it is Ssalongo’s wife – the mummy who had the 2 children in her stomach.’

Josiah: ‘no that is not right, why were they 2? How come I was alone and Jonathan was alone?’

By this point all the barbers were hysterical with laughter and tearing up but Josiah was not going to let it go so his father came to the rescue and said those words that all fathers use when they feel challenged.

Father: ‘Josiah, you will ask mummy to explain when we get home.’

The 2015 Kampala Restaurant Week launch review.

From 2 – 13 June 2015, the pearl guide held the inaugural Kampala Restaurant Week which showcased titillating cuisine from 40 top participating restaurants at subsidised rates for the duration of the week. The prices ranged from 15,000 – 25,000 for casual and signature dishes respectively for the week. I must admit that this first of a kind event was conceptually both genius and refreshing for the marketer and food lover that I am.

So when I was invited to the Pearl Guide office along Kintu Road opposite Imperial Royale on Friday 15 May for the launch, I was thrilled to take part in the celebration of the finest food from the finest Ugandan restaurants. 

My e-invite via Twitter mentioned that this Nederburg sponsored event would begin at 6 and end at 8pm. Oh and before I forget, a thumbs up to the Pearl Guide as the organisers of the event for being in tune with the digital generation of today and utilising all tools available to promote all things wonderful to see, do and enjoy while in Uganda.

So as I made my way to the launch on that jam packed Friday afternoon that Ugandan streets are well known for, I was extremely excited to see how much further they would take this celebration of Ugandan cuisine. As I got to the entrance, I was asked for my name and identification which I graciously gave the lady with the list to cross check that I was actually on the invite list. She smiled when she found my name and ushered me to the lounge where she prompted me to take a selfie or photograph at their photo booth set up. I do not care much for photographs so I declined.

I was in the lounge by 6:10pm but to my disappointment the event did not start until 7:30p that evening and the organisers had only made arrangement for alcoholic refreshments for invitees with no allowance for those who preferred soft drinks. In as such this brief and interesting conversation ensued with one of the waiters serving at the event.

Me: ‘Hello, how are you?’

Waiter: ‘I am fine.’

Me: ‘I would like something to drink.’

Waiter: ‘Yes, will it be a white or a red,’ he politely said as he pointed at the wines displayed at the bar area.

Me: ‘No, no wine for me. Do you have something softer – soft drink perhaps like fresh juice?’

Waiter: ‘Yes, we have juice.’

Me: ‘Okay, please bring me a glass of a juice – preferably a fruit cocktail.’

Waiter: ‘Uhhm, juice is not on the house.’

Me: ‘Okay, that’s fine.’

Waiter: ‘You will have to pay 6,000 for it but the wine is on the house.’

Me: ‘That is fine, please bring me a glass of juice.’

Waiter: ‘Okay,’ he responded, and on delivery I paid for my drink.

Moral of the story with this particular conversation was that the waiter could not understand why I would want to pay for a glass of fresh fruit juice when there was an abundance of wine in circulation on the house. His confusion could clearly be read on his face every time he glanced in my direction from then on.

Many of you must be wondering why I would choose to write about this now especially since it transpired in mid – May. I was battling with whether to run it and criticise an evidently brilliant concept from a respectable and avid promoter of Uganda as a leading tourism destination or let it go and say nothing at all about ways this event could have been executed better of course punctuated with the fun loving personality of the Ugandan people. I chose to capture the latter which brings me to the rest of what transpired that day.

As serving of the food commenced, the crowd descended on the waiters who passed around with platters containing the 3 signature bites for tasting which were consumed in record time given the small quantity prepared for a crowd of approximately 40 people.

Me: ‘Waiter, what is the name of this dish you are serving.’

Waiter: ‘Ah, I do not know, but I can ask the chef’ he said with great hesitation.

Me: ‘Well, could you find out for me as I would be very grateful.’

Waiter: ‘For this one.’

Me: ‘No for all 3 dishes,’ I politely asked and as I completed my sentence he sped off in a bee line for the kitchen.

I was extremely surprised that a chef would send out waiters from his kitchen at an event such as this without them knowing what dishes they serving or the ingredients used to prepare them. 

But about 15 minutes later as this was still racking my brain, the MC run through the live tweets on the screen and saw my tweet and this question followed.

MC: ‘What are the names of the canapés served tonight?’ she asked as the party of 4 at my table discussed what exactly canapés were.

A Canapé is an appetizer consisting of a piece of bread or toast or a cracker topped with a savory spread but let’s just say as I thought this someone read my tweet and shot up their hand and instantly won a power bank.

Lady 1: ‘Canapés, what’s that?’

Lady 2: ‘Am guessing bitties.’

Lady 1: ‘Ohh the stuff we were eating.’

Lady 3: ‘Why didn't they simply say bites?’

The program was riddled with entertainment and giveaways, an abundant supply of the Nederburg brand of wines and some canapés with the alcohol food ratio at 3:1 which I found rather disturbing given that the core importance of the celebration was the food. That aside I assumed that at some point, our hosts would take the opportunity to highlight the way in which wines should be paired with canapés but I realised I was grossly over expectant. 

As I walked out of the event at 9:45pm with the fun fare and celebration still in full throttle I heard the MC say,

‘Guys, drink up! There is still wine and we need to finish all of it before we leave.’

Well for the food lovers like me out there who may be wondering, the food was finished within 20 minutes of commencement of serving that was about 8:20pm. Oh Ugandans but for the love of alcohol!

Children say the oddest things

Esella country hotel is located somewhere in Namugongo Kira off Mbogo road and it is here that my sisters and I took my nieces and nephews to enjoy swimming by their pool side. I expected this to be a typical swimming date with my sisters but nothing could have prepared me for the hilarious conversations that were exchanged between them. 

It reminded me of my own time as a child, of the joys of having no responsibility and being with family enjoying every excuse to celebrate a birthday, wedding, festive season and the list goes on and on. However not to digress, we got to the hotel at about 2:40pm and went straight to the reception to pay for the swimming session and to also inquire how busy the pool was.

My Sister: ‘Hello, we would like to pay for swimming. How busy is the pool?’

Receptionist: ‘Ahh...Not too busy.’

My Sister: ‘Are you sure?’

Receptionist: ‘Yes I am.’

With this confirmation, after tucking away our receipt we rushed off to the pool only to find 25 children already in it enjoying themselves. 

As my nephews and nieces changed into swim wear we got an opportunity to observe the mayhem. I thought to myself, if not busy is 25 children running around, splashing water out of the pool, diving in it from multiple points, then what does busy look like?

Given that we had already established rapport with the swimming instructor from earlier lessons we decided to stay and let the children have fun since there was no way they were going to have a structured lesson that day. Irrespective of this drama, by 5:30pm the pool only had 4 people in it 1 being an adult who barely did any swimming. The children who had thoroughly enjoyed themselves were now tired and in dire need of food which we ordered as we waited for them to shower and change.

The entire time the waiter gave us attitude and to add to that he made an error on our large order for 9 so he had to take one plate of food back which we reckon got him a scolding from the chef. We could tell this by the sluggishness and indifference he had from that time when it came to taking our orders that aside, nothing had prepared me for the conversation that my nieces engaged in while we ate.

Just to give you some background, my niece Bella is 7 years old and has a bubbly and outgoing personality while her sister Mary is 11 and is an introvert (she is quite the novel reader). Bella interrupts the adults’ conversation with an outburst.

Bella: ‘Eh my throat is hurting mummy.’

Mother: ‘Hurting….,where.’     

                                                 

Bella: Here, no here,’ she said as she quickly pointed at her gullet.

Now seeming concerned with her daughters persistence, my sister began to examine her throat only for Bella to remove her hand and respond.

Bella: ‘eh… when is the food coming, my throat is hurting?

Mother: ‘let us be patient,’ responded her mother as she grinned once she finally realized that the pain in her daughter’s throat stemmed from her hunger.

Now the waiter I mentioned earlier, had informed us that our orders would take 20 minutes but we waited 40 minutes instead which was why Bella was so hungry that her mother had no choice but to distract her.

Mother: ‘ahh but Bella, alright go watch your brother maybe your throat will stop hurting.'

But Bella was not having any of that and amply responded with a rebuttal.

Bella: ‘somebody has spoilt the air."

Mother: ‘How?’

Bella: ‘bad air.’ (By this Bella meant, someone had passed air - farted)

Mary: ‘hahaha’

Bella: ‘I cannot stop talking.’

Mary: ‘Chatter box.’

Bella: ‘senior chatterbox.’

Mother: ‘Hey, let’s eat,’ she yelled to get these 2 sisters to let go of the bickering since the food had finally arrived.

15 minutes later.  

                                                        Bella: ‘Am full, take this food away.’

Mother: ‘Bella, you are eating like you are storing food for another day. Ehh’

Mary: ‘Are you going for the hunger games.’ (The entire table burst into laughter)

I was amazed and somewhat proud at the well selected and served rebuttal from my niece who is clearly a lover of all things literature. 

The rest of the adults at the table could not believe the madness unfolding between the children as we remembered how young and innocent they once were while reminiscing on our own childhoods. I enjoyed myself so much that when the bill finally arrived, even though it was wrong, nothing could wipe the smiles off our faces. 

We asked the evidently annoyed waiter to revise our bill without the double billing for the swimming and headed home smiling after payment.

Tips for Esella Country Hotel

Swimming: do not go on the weekend and especially when the school term is in recess. If you have flexible work schedule it is best to go in the afternoon during the week or make a reservation for an appropriate time.

Food: is on the pricy side for the usual dishes where a plate of fries goes for 10,000 and fries with chicken 20,000

The toilet floor was wet and dirty the time I was there especially given the number of children swimming that day.