Long hair or no hair.

I often thought that the more an individual was educated that the rate of his idiotic utterances would gravely decline, however it seems to be the contrary. 

As you all know  I recently cut my hair short after 8 years and have been privy a great deal of banter from the general public but never did I expect the same kind of ridicule from any of my educated peers.

Colleague: (pulls me aside away from everyone) “Joyce, I always wanted to ask you from the first time I saw you walk into the room.”

Me: “Why?”                             

                              

Colleague: “Your hair.”

Me: “What about my hair?”

Colleague: “I mean its short, why would you cut off all your hair? I mean look at all the ladies in this room with their long hair. Or did you want to stand out.”

Me: “Because I wanted to and I needed a break from it.”

Colleague: “Break! But hair is the crowning glory of a woman it is what makes a woman come to life.”

Me: “There is more to a woman than just her hair look at it from that point of view.”

Colleague: “So why did you really cut your hair?”

Me: “Because I needed to let myself breathe from all the strain of chemicals, 3 - 4 hour long plaiting and un-plaiting sessions. Oh and my hair was long shoulder length and thick so I would spend an extra hour in the dryer. Did you know that we literally pay people to inflict pain on us to look good?”

Colleague: (A grin crossed his lips) “Okay but at least you look good in the process.”

Me: “Oh so why do you keep your hair short?”

Colleague: “In my case when my hair grows long it browns and is curly and uncontrollable.”

Me: “When it is long it is thick and nice and pretty awesome but don’t I get to choose whether or not I keep my hair short as well.”

Colleague: “Yes but women are supposed to have long hair.”

Me: “Where is that written down as law, a woman should not keep her hair sort, yada yada yada …….. that is not a reason. I mean older women for instance cut their hair as they grow older to look younger. That is a reason.”

Colleague: “Oh so is that it, do you want to look younger?"

Me: “I have no need to look young.”

Colleague: “Oh so is that you want to stand out or no you want attention.”

I did not response I simply smiled and walked away because I had to stop myself from speaking my mind and do not worry it would not have been anything pleasant.

Haircut Bewildered

Once upon a time I used to have a cascading mane that fell a few inches below my shoulders; yes my shoulders - which I grew and maintained for over 8 years but I finally grew weary of. Mid lastyear I began a journey of gradual reduction of my hair until I finally let go of it all with but a nights notice. Now this was a decision I took as an individual and at the time I did not realize what immediate or adverse effects it would have had on me.

So as I walked out of the salon a few meters from my work place and the boda boda men at the stage nearest to my office began to whistle and call me names, names that I was very unaccustomed to. Inasmuch as we all know that more often than not boda boda men are often ill mannered; I was still taken aback by it all and the conversation went something like this.

(4 Boda boda men seated in a circle at a kiosk adjacent to their stage)

Boda man 1: “Ehhh sweetie, student olotya jangu nkutwale.” (Eh sweetie, student how are you come and I take you on a ride to where you want to go.) He said this as he whistled amidst ongoing muffled conversations between his other counterparts.

Me: “Neda sebo, sigenda!” (No sir, I am not going.)

Boda man 2: “Ehh naye ofanana bulungi sister, owaye campuser nange netaga omuwala.” (Eh but you look realy nice sister, goodness campuser as I need a girl.)

Me: No response.

Boda Boda man 1: “Nga todamu sweetie.” (Why aren’t you responding?)

Chairman (also another boda boda man): “Owaye omukazi muleke temumumanyi ntino akola kumi ne wano ate tali size yo ali size yange.” (Goodness leave the lady don’t you know that she works near here and she is not your size style/ class but mine)

The rest of the boda boda men halted their conversation and burst out into laughter as I hastily made off in order not to further entertain or indulge their idleness.  But there was yet another occasion when I was left utterly shocked at the boldness of taxi drivers. As I took my usual seat in the front next to the driver on a taxi that was Kiwatule bound, when I got around Bukoto I realized I needed to jump out in Ntinda to grab a bite at Tuskys Supermarket. The driver noticed that I had paid my fare to the conductor and yet I had specifically asked for a taxi heading towards Kiwatule.

Driver: “Mwana nga oyagala okuvayo nga tona tuka gwogenda?” (Hot girl, as you want to alight from the taxi before getting to where you want to go?)

Me: “Silence.” (After badgering me for a while I decided to fold and respond) “Nkyali Ntinda okukola shopping ku Tuskys.”

Driver: “Kale njakulinda ko. Naye linda ko mpakinze bulungi nga tonavayo.” (Okay, I will wait for you a while but wait until I park properly before you alight.)

Me: “Kale sebo.” (Okay Sir!)

Driver: “Baby ojaku yanguwa ko tujakulinda kubanga njagala okwogera nawe sweetie.” (Baby you will hurry up right because I want to talk to you.)

Me: “Ngenda okuyanguwa, naye mugende njakusanga taxi endala.” (Yes I am going to hurry, but you can go I will get another taxi that is heading my way.)

Driver: “Neda mukwano, nanti nkugambye ntino tukyakwogera.” (No friend, you see I told you we we still talk.)

I paused for a while before I leaped out of the front taxi door and made a bee line for the entrance for of Tuskys supermarket. As I waited in line and I pondered how bold this taxi man had been to out rightly approach me with no warning at all. Then I wondered whether this gentleman would for whatever bizarre reason honor his inappropriate suggestion he had just made. So I rushed out and looked in the direction where I had left the taxi parked, the driver and his conductor for one reason or the other had decided to change their route to go back to town but to my surprise I caught him peering through his side window in the direction of the entrance. He actually wanted to wait to finish the conversation that he had started with me and I was startled at how bold this lad was.  I ducked of course and went on my way – for those of you who were wondering.

Then it dawned on me nothing this extreme had ever happened to me so it must all be owing to the new hair cut and within 2 months I had one of the most awkward encounters with a middle aged man of about 6feet 2inches (I know this because I am 5 feet 8 inches). I was wearing a pair of straight cut blue jeans, a long sleeved collared shirt with buttons running all the way down the front, cuffs at my wrists and I was carrying a back pack that day. The middle aged man entered the front seating area of the taxi before me and sat next to the driver but I noticed him stealing side glances at me the entire stretch of the journey. As I began to rummage through my back pocket for change to pay the conductor, he mustered up the guts to engage me in conversation.

Middle aged man: “Excuse me; I have to ask are you male or a female.”

I paused for 3-5 seconds owing to how tired I was given that I had just been through a 4 hour weekend class so I was in no mood to be conversational.)

Me: “Female!” (I paid the conductor and called out to the driver) “Stage, Parking, owaye driver maso awo.” (This is because the driver had zoned out and was not paying attention to me now leaning in front of this gentleman shouting at him to stop.)

Middle aged man: (after an awkward pause) “No offence intended.”

Me: (I jumped out of the taxi slammed the door and as I looked at him I responded) “No!”

Now dear Ugandans, I know that last week the Anti homosexuality bill was signed by our dear president but to use this as an excuse for insulting people (random strangers) in public places because of your ignorance, it is unacceptable. When you find a young stylish lady in a boyfriend style shirt and a pair of jeans and a back pack it does not mean that she is lesbian or bisexual and it is totally moronic to run your mouth and ask her that as well. In my defense I have a bust; I had pierced ears with silver cross design ear pins and flat ballets pumps all of which are obviously associated with the female gender. So the next time you seek to insult me with your illiteracy on all things fashion – beware I will definitely tell you off and yes a fashionable young lady can rock short hair.

Taxis have got nothing on Campusers.

Many of you who have travelled by taxi to or from anywhere must have experienced this problem - the supper loud passenger. So here we were leaving Kamwokya taxi stage and there was a young lady of university going age who was seated by the window taking in the scenery as we went along heading towards Ntinda. After a couple of minutes her phone rang and it is the conversation that ensued that made my day or rather the day of all the passengers in the nearly full taxi.

Campuser: “Hello! Ndi mu town. Gwe oli wa? Toli eka kubanga nabadde kumpi ate njagade okulaba.” (Hello, I am in town, where are you? You are not home …. I wanted to see you.)

Campuser: “Oli ku Campus… Ndi kumpi oku tuka! (She paused and listened for further details) campus eya Kyambogo? (You are on campus … I am close by I am about to arrive)

This back and forth went on for a couple of minutes with her trying to convince the person on the other end that she really was on her way.

Campuser: “Nanti omanyi, natambude ku kyalo okulaba mamaa wange. Kati ndi mukubo”“Ndi kumpi, ... kale nvudde Jinja kati ntuse Jinja Road mu kubo naye nkomawo.” (I had travelled up country to see my mother but now …. i am close by I on my way back from Jinja around Jinja Road.)

Mature male Passenger: “hhmmm ehh wano Jinja Road aha abana ba nakuzino.” (hhmm this is Jinja Road aha children of these days.)

3 minutes later

Campuser: “Neda sigenda kujja mu lecture.” (No I am not going to come for the lecture.)

Mature male Passenger: Eh owaye (Chuckled under his breath and let out a sneer as he shook his head from side to side in disbelief.)

Camuser: “Eh na kubide simu …., mbadde nerabidde naye nkoye nyo na kera okutambula okuva Jinja.” (Oh I called you …… I had forgotten about that but I am very tired I travelled quite early from Jinja.)

It only dawned on me then that this young girl was probably calling a classmate to hang out at her home which was somewhere in proximity to Ntinda since that was the stage which we were fast approaching, only to be asked about her attendance of class. I grinned a little and my mind wondered off to my university days to a scenario quite similar to this kind.

We were seated at a restaurant adjacent to our faculty for lunch after which one of my classmate’s phones rang loudly and she quickly silenced us.

Aida: “Hello, sweetie. How are you I have been very busy with class and course work? Nanti i just walked out of a lecture. Can you please hold on my lecturer is talking to me.” (She checks her phone and there was another call waiting and hesitated for a while and did not take it.)

Me: “Aida could we go or we will miss getting good seats for class.” (She shushed me quiet.)

Aida: “Ahhh now also this one, he keeps disturbing me and yet he does want to give me money for airtime.” (She said this as she quickly declined the call and returned to her other call.)

Campuser 1: “Eh Aida your phone keeps buzzing.” (She paid no attention to the comment continued flirting with the gentleman on the other line)

Aida: “Tonight …..ahhh okay! What time but i need airtime, money to photocopy some notes and do my hair. Remember I told you last time nanti I want to look hot for you.”

Campuser 2: “Eh owaye, that had better be Daddy or …..” (This was said to imply her actual father in a satirical manner.)

After her call Aida checked her call logs and found that she had 6 missed calls and a message that read something to this effect.

Mukwano, nga njagala okulaba. Nga tokwata simu yange Njagala okutwala out. (Friend - to imply intimate friend, I want to see you but why are you not answering my calls? I want to take you out.)

Before Aida could even respond the phone rang once more and she rejected the call, I thought this would be the last of it only for the phone to ring again and this time Aida looked like she was considering taking the call. But first she had very explicit instructions for us to carry out.

Aida: “Mwe kati you are going to help me. I do not want to talk to this one I took his money and now he wants to see me but I do not want his rubbish. He is so old and he has a big stomach and he is so ugly he looks like my father naye he is chasing me. So you are going to make sounds like we are in a taxi down town and there is a lot of traffic and we cannot hear. Kale let me answer now.”

Me: “What! Aida are you okay?”

Aida: “Yes, just like we are in a taxi and it is very busy like in the park okay. Now I am going to answer when i tell you then you make the appropriate noise.”

She said this as she nodded and gave us the necessary signals but none of us thought she was serious at all; little did we know we were going to get the shock of our lives in a couple of minutes as she answered her mobile phone.

Aida: “Hello, mukwano ki sweetheart. No no I did not hear my phone ring I am in a taxi going upcountry I am out of town.” “Ehh hello, I cannot hear you properly.”

From nowhere Aida leaned forward and hit me on the arm.

Me: You… that hurt! (I exclaimed while wincing in pain)

I had not been paying attention to her and had diverted the rest of the girls to a fashion magazine display that was now in front of us. She had retaliated by hitting me on the wrist as means to remind me of our cue to assist in her well thought out plan.

Aida: “Make taxi sounds.” (She said in a hush tone as she covered the mouth piece of her phone.)

Me: “What!” (Aida eyed me and repeated her instruction in a firmer tone with pleading eyes)

Campuser 1: “Jinja, Kamuli,….  Nyabo ogende beyi …..” (Jinja, Kamuli….. madam are you heading in our direction…the price is…)

Aida: “Yes, yes..” (She nodded vigorously as if to further rally us on and offer encouragement)

Me: “Tugenda, tugenda, sebo ogenda owaye kanvemu njagala okugenda mu taxi endala nanti temugenda.’’ (Are going, Sebo are going, let me get out since you are not going anywhere.)

Next thing I knew I was doing both male and female voice depictions to respond to myself and the other girl’s conversations as they were now other taxi passengers.

Campuser 2: “Owaye Charlie, jangu wano ompe amazi ekyokunwa. Zibera meka…..” (Young man! come here and give me some water to drink how much does it cost?)

Aida: “Mukwano  I cannot hear you, nanti tuli mukubo mu taxi.” (Friend I cannot hear you since i am on the journey upcountry using a noisy taxi)

Campuser 1: “Conductor maso awo.” (Conductor I am getting out just ahead.)

Aida: “Eh I have to get out and let a lady pass, eh but the network is so bad and I have a lot of luggage so I cannot hold the phone for long.”

Me: “Quack, quack,….”

As soon as she said luggage I instantaneously I began to quack like a duck and crow like a cock but it got so hilarious that the minute I started to quack the 2 other girls could not take it anymore and just burst into laughter which was punctuated with t heir ranting of passengers boarding and alighting different taxis. To this day that is one of my fondest memories of my undergraduate degree days, it is a priceless memory.

Note: The names used in this account are not actual so as to protect the identity of the young ladies.

For my non Ugandan readers, the term Campuser is for a University going students either a young lady or gentleman but is more preferably used for a female. (Ugandan slang)

Ugandan Context of Valentines Day

On one of my usual taxi rides, I was fortunate enough to find the front seat next to another passenger and the driver available and so I took it. It seemed like a regular day with no drama in the offing but all of that changed when I paid attention to conversation that was going on from the driver and passengers.

The driver was recounting to the rest of the passengers a conversation he had earlier listened to that morning on a radio show and it went something like this;

Driver: “Nanti tubade okuwulira radio, wadabbe omusajja nga kubye ku simu.” (As we were listening to radio there was a gentleman who called in…)

Conductor: “Aha.” (Yes!)

Driver: “Titi nagamba, jebale ko sebo mulimutya eyo? (Titi a popular radio presenter said - how are you people over there?)

Caller: “Wano Kamwokya tuli bulungi enkole nungi kati tulinda Valentine.” (The gentleman said, everything is fine over here in Kamwokya we are only waiting for Valentine.)

Driver: “Titi nagamba, Valentine! Valentine kati etuse Kamwokya. Temulina okusasula school fees.”(Valentines! Valentines has even reached Kamwokya. Have you finished paying school fees?) Now Titi the presenter asked this specifically because children had only reported back to school about a week earlier.

Caller: “Owaye, Valentine kubanga mama wa bana taja kufumba oba to muwadde ka Valentine. School fees tujakulabe eda” (My goodness, Valentine because my children’s mother- wife will not cook supper if you have not given her anything for Valentines. The school fees issue we will see later.)

This month is known as the month of love and yet all you love struck puppies celebrate only one day in the entire month so I do not know how accurate that phrase ‘month of love’ is but that is for another day. However, my heart went out to the caller as his wife (baby mama’) priorities were clearly misplaced and he would suffer as a result.

Sadly the resounding roar of laughter which spread like wild fire to the entire taxi was cut short as a lady shouted out from the middle of the taxi.

Lady: “Conductor masawoo kukyambuka” (conductor right ahead at the junction with the road going inwards) to imply she would be alighting shortly and the taxi comes to a halt. I thought nothing of it even when she jumped out with a 12-13 year old girl quick at her heels as they trod up the incline.

Then the driver who had been quiet for only a moment began to bellow away in his now familiar base.

Driver: “Eh oyo muwalawe oba …! Amufanana” (Eh, that is her daughter. She resembles her.)

Front Passenger: “Uhmm, yeee” (Yes) to imply that the young girl must be her daughter but no one else responded and I thought it would all end there.

Driver: “Eh naye ali myaka ki - oba kumi nabiri?” (I wonder how old she is? Maybe 12.)

Front Passenger: “Neda, oyo ali nga kumi na satu. Agenda ku s.1.” (No 13 like she is going to senior 1)

Driver: “Ehhh naye oyo mama we…. nga omwana we ali kumpi kutuka mamawe.” (Eh but he mother is short, her daughter is about the same height as her mum.)

Front Passenger: “Nanti a bana ba nakuzino” (You know how children of these days are.) The passenger said this as she chuckled and I thought to myself but these days have no children we only have children in this day and age.

Driver: “Anti mu kyalo omwana nga oyo kati nandibadde ne omwana.” (In the village a child such as her would already have a child.)

Then the conversation about the differences between children in the city and those in the village ensued between the female passenger at the front and the conductor for over 5 minutes almost oblivious to my presence. It would have continued on and on had the conductor not seen a lady standing by the side of the road waiting.

100 meters from lady

Conductor: “Mama ogenda?” (Madam are you heading in our direction?) To which she did not respond.

50 feet from the lady

The driver flashed his flood lights and honked his horn and both he and the conductor made the necessary hand signals so that she could see where we were heading and flag them down to stop and pick her up. It did not shock me at all she did not respond not even with a nod, all she did was blankly stare at us as we approached and now we were only about 10 feet away from her but even that did not matter. So the driver made the executive decision to pass by her as she did not seem to be heading our way and funny enough as soon as we passed by her, she turned and threw hands up in the air frantic that we did not stop to pick her up.

- 5 feet from her (after we had past the lady)

Conductor: “Parking boss, agenda” (Find parking driver she wants to board!) he yelled and this is all the driver had to say in response.

Driver: “Atulabye nasiriki, nkubye ku ngobe na siriki, owaye tali mumbejja” (She saw us - I honked my horn and she kept quiet, spare us she is not royalty.)

The front passenger and I burst out into laughter and so did a few of the other people in the mid- section of the taxi as he summed up my ride filled with humor with this statement.

Driver: “Owaye a tambule ko asale weight nanti tugenda ku Valentine.” (Let her also walk a little to reduce on her size after all we are heading towards Valentine’s Day.)

Only in Uganda!

Note: Any names used here are not actual as per the incident.

Misguided Police Vigilance

11:45am

It was a day like no other when my sister and I attempted to make our way to the city center by car but had a stopover in Wandegeya where we parked briefly to wait for an individual for a brief exchange. Without leaving the car my sister met the individual for a brief meeting that took maybe 2 minutes, a taxi driver pulled up next to us to the side and blocked us so we could not pull out of the bus stop area wherewe had parked. Now we had parked behind a car in the parking area and another had quickly pulled up behind us so when her quick meeting was over, we had nowhere to go.

 Now every Ugandan knows that our taxi drivers dance to their own beat so we knew better than to rush the taxi driver but rather to patiently wait for him to drive away so that we could leave and head into town. The conductor flung the door open and a passenger briskly jumped out as he passed on his fare only for a police officer to slither from behind the car parked ahead of us in front of the taxi barring the driver from speeding off. Please note that this was not a traffic police man but a normal – police officer who usually wear the signature green uniforms. We thought this confrontation would not take much time and we would be well on our way only for a female traffic police office dressed in trademark white, brandishing an official traffic offence book ready write a receipt for whatever offence stood beside him opening a leaf as she engaged the driver.

5 minutes later

We had patiently waited for this encounter to blow over so that we could be on our way only for it to carry on for an additional 3 minutes. My sister finally got exasperated enough for her rebellious streak to come to the surface and she began to hoot for them to move ahead so that we could drive off.

Sister: “Officer, please allow us to leave.” (She used her hands to action her displeasure after being patient for a while but they took no notice of her and continued to disagree over the offence.)

Police Officer (Ordinary): (After ignoring us for a while) “Allo, madam first wait we deal with this one here – we are still writing his receipt.”

Traffic Policewoman: “Do not even complain, do you know your offence? This is not a parking area….ehhh ……officer what……do not call me.”

I was so amused at how aggressive and humorous the female traffic officer was all at once.

Conductor: “Officer naye olabye motoka wali mabega, aparkinze bubi naye tobawadde papula.” (Officer but do you see that car behind, it is parked badly but you have not given them a receipt.)

Sister: Police Officer: “Deal with him where? Officer you already have him in your custody so let him move ahead so that I can pass and you can continue with him on the issue of his offence.”

Police Officer (Ordinary): “Leo……….” (He ranted on in some Swahili gibberish for about 3 minutes as we both looked at him dumbfounded.)

I almost looked at myself to make sure that I was not in some sort of army fatigue or police uniform. Did he think we were one of his buddies from training school? I know that we come from the Eastern part of Uganda but that does not mean that all Ugandans or Easterners understand the Swahili language.

Sister: “Eh, officer what are you saying?” (With a frown on her face that clearly showed her discomfort and bewilderment, I decided to make fun of it and silently mimic him.)

Police Officer: “You see madam, this is a no parking area it is for stop overs so that is why we are giving him an offence receipt.”

Sister: “Oh no problem officer, that is exactly why I stopped over and did not get out of my car when I got to this bus stop.”

Police Officer: “Yes we also know that it is hard to find parking in the city so we feel sorry for you and allow you to stop over here – but not to park.” (As he leaned into her window I guess for better effect)

Unfortunately for me in this case, I did not get an opportunity to get a clear view of his name tag on his uniform and I was not going to get myself in a bind by attempting to take a picture of him from the front. I did not want my sister’s car to be impounded or something like that since we were right next to the Wandegeya Police station. After a couple of minutes and further persuasion from my sister the receipt was written only for the taxi to be moved forward but the bargaining continued.

I wondered, if you have given me a receipt to pay for a fine due to a traffic offence why do you still continue to engage me and hold conversations after the fact. It simply means that that fine was not going to be paid or was I mistaken? Either way this over vigilant pair wasted about 15 minutes of our time so much that we were now caught up in the midday jam at the traffic lights in addition to the fact that the taxi was parked in a double parking position further aggravating the situation.

Only in Uganda.

Do receptionists learn Etiquette?

Many times when we go to the people’s offices for meetings or to drop into see someone for a quick chat, we underestimate how upbringing impacts and affects our life when we are full grown.  I would like to share my experiences that I had while at 2 different corporate company offices within Kampala.

 Office 1

This was a well-known Ugandan telecom company that has stood the test of time where I had gone with my finance manager to see someone in the finance department who had been asking us to come and sort out some discrepancies in billing for our services. I went through a glass door which had a disclaimer that read “unauthorized personnel should not enter the finance department.”

The discussion between me and the receptionist went something like this,

Finance Manager: “Hello, good afternoon?”

Me: “Hello!”

Receptionist: “………… hihihihi Are you serious, ehhhh let me call you back there is a person at my desk. Good afternoon!” (Youthful and fresh faced lady with a good command of the English language who sat behind a desk and only looked up as she responded after concluding her call)

Finance Manager: “Hello, may I see Mr…….... of commercial section or Mr………. of billing section please?” (I responded playing dumb to the fact that I was sure that the conversation I had cut short was not work related …… but I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt)

Receptionist: “Do you know where they sit?”

Finance Manager: “No!”

Receptionist: “Ahhhh wait and I see…….(She said this as she rose from her desk and moved away from it to take a better look at her pool area where all  the number crunching professionals sat. Only when she stepped away from the desk did she step in full view of us so I was able to see that she was not wearing any shoes on her feet.)

“I cannot see them - both of them are not in,” she responded.

Finance Manager: (Eased his way behind her desk next to the receptionist and peered into the distance at the entire expanse of the room and interrupted her) “Ahhhh I can see Mr…….. He can assist me.”

Receptionist:  “If they can help you…… ” (The finance manager did not wait for her to fully respond as he walked off in the direction of the pool area)

I stood there in shock that my boss had not noticed that the receptionist was bare foot right next to him as he moved past her and made his way to the middle of the pool area.

Me: “I will take a seat here as i wait for him.” (She did not even look in my direction as she sat down and picked up the receiver of the pone and punched in a button and continued her call.)

Receptionist: “Eh so you wama, what was I saying. Yes so how are you going to get in, did you find the key? ……. If my land lady is not there then ………..” (As she listened)

“Yeah just under the rug………..Naye that guy is not serious, is he with the other chic also- two timing…. All men are like that.”

Finance Manager: “Joyce, come here I would like you to meet…..”(She did not even look up at any time and I was very amused at how invinsible she made me feel and yet I was seated only 2 feet from her)

The entire time I was at her desk I had been privileged to listen in on her conversation as she caught up with her girlfriend for over 5 minutes. Yes it was the company phone – I made sure to take note and then when we were leaving she stepped on the top of her shoes and dragged them next to the dust bin which was a distance away to thrown litter into it. Her motion reminded me of the way a duck would slowly wade across the compound to a pond as she was took no notice of me at all.

Office 2

Me: “Good morning, how are you? I am here to see Mr……..”

Receptionist: “Who are you?”

Me: “Joyce ….. from ……….. I have an 11:00 am appointment with him.” (There are many ways to ask this question in a polite manner but she chose to ask me – who are you?)

Receptionist:  (She made a call on the intercom) “Mr………, Joyce here to see you. Have a seat and give him 5 minutes.”

3 minutes later - I sit down next to another lady I found waiting in the reception area.

Me: “Good morning Madam.”

Lady waiting: “Good morning to you.”

Receptionist: (Receives a call on the intercom and then actions to a lady going in to the pool area) “Teddy, help me and take this lady to Mr……’s desk.”(She gave this instruction without even looking up as she had preoccupied herself with her mobile phone at her desk)

Teddy: (who has no idea who has come to see who responds) “Ok”

Lady waiting: (Gets up and follows Teddy past the reception and as she begins to enter the pool area she is called back by an abrupt and shrill voice)

Receptionist: (Finally looks up to see the wrong lady going into the pool area) “Teddy…... not that one the other one!” (She pointed at me using her nose.)

Me: (I stood up and pretended I had not seen what she had done and as I walked past her I said “Thank you.”

Let us just say that in that minute my impression of her changed and that is not something that she will ever change. Be courteous to people, no matter who they are or what their status is you never really know who they are.

Keep that in mind.

Culture versus Common sense

It is the norm for most of us Ugandans to adhere to some sort of cultural norm, the only aspect that is debatable is the degree to which this is done. I am not one to take much notice or even get involved in any discussion of such a nature but a day ago I was very intrigued at how varied individuals opinions can be on one same topic and it is these opinions that I intend to share with you.

About 5 weeks ago I adopted a new hair cut which left me with less than an inch of natural hair on my head. We all know that hair grows so after a while needed to go in to get it shaved back to its original glory. So I geared up to go to the barber shop but little did I know what I would expect, first my usual barber was not yet back from his festive season holiday so I had to hunt for a new one in the area. After a brief stroll I managed to find a new one within the same area, I walked in and I was met with long stares but I braved them all and asked to have a haircut.  As a barber approached me he asked me,

Barber:  “Oyagala okusala nvirizo nyabo?”

Me: Ye sebo! (I responded in luganda)

Barber: “Eh naye abakazi tebagala okusala nviri, naye gwe……!” (He paused as if he expected me to respond or cut in to divulge my life’s secrets and justify my reasons as to why I cut it – I did not.)

“Kale muwala bera wano nkusale.” (Girl, really does this man know how old I am.)

I looked at him briefly and in an instant decided it was not worth it correcting him on my status as a young lady and not a girl or teenager.  After all since my original hair cut and this relieved me of 8 years worth of my cascading mane and had an unexpected freeing effect on me. But that is a discussion for another day. I sat down in his chair for my cut and about 8 minutes into it, the conversation began.

We all know how women’s braiding saloons and barber shops are - someone asks a question or starts a discussion based on a movie or a personal issue, regardless as to how it started this is my account of what lived up to be a very intriguing discussion.

Please note that this entire conversation was in Luganda a local dialect of our largest tribe in Uganda.

Barber 2: “Welcome Customer, where did you leave the little girl? You should have brought her to get her hair done with you.”

Customer: “Child, she is a young adult now. I left her home today.”

Nail Lady: “But these days’ children talk like adults even when they are young.”

News cast on the Anti homosexuality bill distracts entire saloon when it run on a local Ugandan television station that started the whole discussion that followed.

Barber 2: “Eh, but you people these things of men being with other men, I do not understand it. It is like parents allowing their male and female teens to share a room!”

“That is where these problems must have begun.”

Barber: What is wrong with that? What is wrong with sharing a room?”(He genuinely seems baffled by his colleague’s statement, so much so that he stopped cutting my hair for a few seconds and held his hips at akimbo.)

Barber 2: “What do you mean, I was brought up in a traditional Kiganda home and I could not even enter my sister’s room and neither did she enter mine.” “It is unacceptable and culturally unheard of.”

Barber: “You are sister and brother; I do not see what is wrong unless you are the one who has a problem mentally…” (The trend of this conversation was what I expected but nothing could prepare me for this.)

 “…I mean, I have ever shared a bed with my sister for about 2 months and nothing happened between me and her. It is all about what is in your head.”

Barber 2: “Eh, what did you say…same bed! Are you okay?” “It must be these people in ‘Bulaya’ who have spoilt /corrupted us by introducing nice concepts that have hidden negatives such as homosexuality that we have to deal with tody.”

Nail Lady: “You must be mad that is very odd, I would never share a room with my brother. For men all they need to do is use his eyes, why do you think that men abuse or defile 5 year old girls?”

Customer: “Hhhmm...ehhhh” (as she jeered and held her head in disgust.)

Barber 2: “Never, so would you chase your sister out of the room every time you need to change and get dressed.” “My father threw us out of the house to the boys’ quarters the minute we got to s.1 and only the girls remained in the main house. So if we did not shower or wash our clothes that was up to us.”

Nail Lady: “I would never allow a boy to mix with a girl, that is unacceptable there is no way to justify it. It is always important to avoid these problems and not create them by making stupid decisions.”(Toyina amagezi – common sense she said: so is this a classic case of common sense or discipline.)

Customer 2 (female): “You will never end this topic.” (She said this as she walked out of the shop and waved goodbye to her stylist.)

I thought to myself that statement from the exiting customer would end the discussion; well I was very mistaken as I realized my barber still had stamina to keep going from an even more scandalous front.

Barber: “So what would you do if your girlfriend came over to your house and she was not well, in the middle of the night - would you touch her?” (He asked this as he looked in the direction of the other barber who stood alongside him and continued to attend to his customer but emphatically threw his hands from side to side emotively as if in disagreement.)

Barber 2: “Sir, you would not sleep in my bed whether you are my sister or not, it does not matter to me what state you were in dressed, naked, fine, sick,… (he was cut short in the middle of his response.)

Nail Lady: “You see a man is a man, so what happens in the middle of the night when you start to dream and forget that it is your sister lying next to you.”

Barber: “It all depends on what is in your head, it is a matter of mental strength and discipline - I would never touch her.”

Nail Lady: “If you say so! But we all know what we know about men.” (This she said as she shook her head and barber 2 next to her continued to refute his claims)

I was shocked, entertained and schooled on what the general public on the Ugandan streets think about this very controversial bill but also on how humorous Ugandans are as individuals. But something that is more intriguing is the way people’s cultural perceptions of these issues have changed and are changing amongst the youth segment of the population. You ask why I say youth – because all the individuals who I was privileged to ease drop on I am sure are less than 40 years old.

After a while I returned with a friend of mine who wanted to cut his hair as well but I was greeted with some interesting humor from my barber. As I walked back into the same barber shop I was greeted with these remarks from him.

Barber: “Eh as you are back young girl, did your parents or man chase you back to get the hairstyle taken out?”

Me: “………..” (No response.)

What amazed me was how audible he was and the manner in which he managed to blatantly ask the question while finding a way in which not to be confrontational at all. For he continued to cut his current customers hair and avoided eye contact with me the entire time, while he honestly waited for my response.

Only in Uganda!